


Three times' a charm

by GreenDragonette



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Darcy can't knock, Darcy hits on every Jane's hit, Dialogue-Only, F/M, Jane Foster is a bad driver, Lots of Cursing, Sometimes Literally, a girl can dream, and Darcy being Darcy, but only when she's driving, it's shocking for the guys, jane's car is a magnet for hot men, nothing really but language so I'm still counting it as 'teens and up', she uses it to see more booty, that's the reason for the rating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28078710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenDragonette/pseuds/GreenDragonette
Summary: “Janey, NO. I’m not letting you drive. The last time you hit Thor,repeatedly!”“It was only twice! And he was fine!”“He’s agod! I’m not risking unleashing you on some poor, unsuspicious,normalguy! Being arrested for drunken shenanigans is one thing, I’m not going to jail formurder!”
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Darcy Lewis, Jane Foster/Thor, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Comments: 21
Kudos: 120





	1. Foster's road(almost)kill

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Reasons why HYDRA should not use FedEx](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7227076) by [JoyisaBike](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoyisaBike/pseuds/JoyisaBike). 



> I have no idea what had just happened. I opened the Word doc, thought about Darcy and Jane, and somehow it translated into this. I realized like halfway through what my plot weasels were inspired by. They really should've learned to try their own thing by now instead of repeatedly hijacking other's people works!
> 
> Oh well, might as well throw it into the Abyss of the Ao3. Enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane Foster is a bad driver.
> 
> She doesn't believe it.
> 
> Accident statistics (and Darcy) beg to differ.

“Janey, NO. I’m not letting you drive. The last time you hit Thor, _repeatedly_!”

“It was only twice! And he was fine!”

“He’s a _god_! I’m not risking unleashing you on some poor, unsuspicious, _normal_ guy! Being arrested for drunken shenanigans is one thing, I’m not going to jail for _murder_!”

“ _I_ am not getting killed either, Darcy! You were driving for ten hours already, now it’s my turn! What if you steer us off the road, huh?”

“Considering you’d get distracted by Science!, boss lady, again, may I add, we’d either end off the road anyway, or we’d somehow run Thor over again, or, dunno, a werewolf!”

“A _werewolf_? Where would you even get _that_ from?”

“Let’s see, so far we’ve met a bunch of friendship-is-magic space gods, one of which is your _boyfriend_ , a fire-y murderbot, and this one time I’ve totally seen a Tony Stark, so there’s no reason why werewolves couldn’t live in the middle of fucking Montana!… Damn, I may need a new taser!”

“You’re sooo full of shit, Darce!”

___

“ _JANE ALICE FOSTER_! _WHAT DID I TELL YOU_?!”

“ _Excuse me_ , it’s not my fault he just appeared in front of the mask!”

“It was a curve, Jane! You _slow down_ on a curve, not _speed up_! What do you have in your defence, Queen of Pain in My Ass?!”

“…At least he doesn’t seem to be a werewolf?”

“Shit, is he even alive? I love you Janey, you know I do, and I’d totally dispose of a dead body with you, but if we’ll have to bury Mr Sideburns in this Thor-forsaken forest, imma bitch about it until we hit the showers!”

“ _Calm down_ Darcy, he’s alright!… Well, at least he’s breathing.”

“Oh my Thor, he’s _hot_! Jane, I do appreciate your skill at singling out the most amazing beefcake every state you drive through has to offer, and I know you miss your godly lay, but do you _really_ need to hit on them _with a car_?! Fuck, he weighs a ton, we’re not getting him in the van unless you build a forklift out of your doohickies!”

“Ughh…”

“Oh goodie, he’s waking up! Hey, handsome dude, how much you’re hurt? D’you need to go to the hospital? What’s your name?”

“Ghhh… Logan…”

“Awesome! How do you feel about being asked out for a date?”

“Uhh… _what_?”

“You know, a date. You, me, a dinner and a movie, something like that, you wanna? Lemme help you up…Whoops!”

“Holy shit, _knives_ _in his arm_!”

“Step back, boss lady!”

“AAARRRRGHHH!!!”

___

“JUST GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

“JANE! Fuckfuckfuck, fuckity-FUCK!”

“SHUT UP!”

“Please tell me you pressed your panic button!”

“I DID! NOW SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!”

“ _Doctor Foster, the Avengers have been informed of your predicament and are on their way. ETA: twenty minutes._ ”

“You’re a lifesaver, J-man, and I’ll totally pledge my fealty to you when you take over the world!”

“ _Thank you Miss Lewis, the fondness is mutual._ ”

…

“Oh no, nonononono!”

“Was that Iron Man?”

“Yeah! We’re saved, boss lady!”

“AAAAAAH!”

“AAAAAH! JANE WHAT THE FUCK! THAT WAS CAPTAIN AMERICA! I’M LIKE 5000% SURE IT’S TREASON TO RUN OVER AMERICA’S TIGHTEST ASS!”

“IT WASN’T MY FAULT THIS TIME, HE JUMPED IN FRONT OF ME!”

“HE FELL OFF THE OTHER CAR, JANE!”

___

“Darcy…”

“Nope!”

“Change the tunes my minion, right the fuck now!”

“Not a chance in Hel, boss lady!”

“It’s the driver who chooseth the tuneth! And seriously, Darce? _Hit Me Baby One More Time_? _Really_?”

“I’m sick of your driving hijinks! Thor help me, Janey, if you even _think_ of repeating your _crushing_ achievement, I’m _so_ banning Science! time for a week! A _week_ , Janey!”

“Oh God!”

“WHAT THE FUCK JANE! YOU ARE SO GROUNDED!”

“Who the fuck is this guy?”

“Dunno, but me thinks those are Hydra. HEY, TALL DARK AND SHINY, GET IN HERE!”

“Shit!”

“GO GO GO!”

“He alright?”

“Thor’s holy abs, you’re bleeding!”

“Eh, ’s not mine. Thanks for helping me out back there, doll.”

“Enemy of our enemies and the like, you’re welcome, and yeah, no, take these and try to clean yourself a bit, the upholstery’s not bloodproof. Unless, yanno, you’d rather I gave you a hand, but keep this gun away from me, please. And Jane. _Especially_ Jane.”

“Uhh… sure?”

“Damn, Janey girl, he’s the hottest of your hits, on par with your boyfriend! Can I keep you, Mr Yummy Thighs, pretty please with a cherry on top?”

“At least buy me a dinner first, doll.”

“DEAL! This is where we exchange names, I’ll start. I’m Darcy.”

“…James?”

“HOLY FUCK, YOU’RE BUCKY BARNES! You were my second crush and my first orgasm!”

“…”

“I think you may be sharing just a bit too much details for the guy, Darce.”

“Shut up Jane, I scored the Earth’s Ultimate Hottie of the last century! My glory shines bright as Mew-Mew in action!”

“Doll…”

“No takebacksies, Winter Smolder! I’m going down on you the first occasion I’ve got!”

“Fuck!”

“THAT’S IT JANE! I’M TAKING OVER THE WHEEL!”


	2. Bathroom breaks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Jane tends to happen to someone when driving her van, so is Darcy when she goes to the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fear the quality of this chapter is significantly lower that the first one's, so, not to embarass myself further, it's the last of this particular universe for the time being.  
> Thanks to Charmedfreak3b for enabling my plot weasels (who I thought were not interested in playing with it anymore. You learn something every day)!

“Dun dun dun, du-du-du…”

„Darcy!”

„Oh! Hi, Marie! Nice towel!… Are those princesses?”

„You do know how to knock, do you?”

“Yeah, you raise your arm and repeatedly hit a flat surface with not enough force to break your hand.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“Eh, figured if it wasn’t locked, I won’t see anything I didn’t see before anyway.”

“Darce, this door _doesn’t_ _lock_!”

“Not my fault the dormitory’s wonky, D’Acanto!”

___

“Jane, did you see… WOAH! Woooowwwwwwwww!”

“Darce…”

“My, my, you own the scoreboard, boss lady!”

“ _Close the door behind you_ , Darcy.”

“Sure.”

“I MEANT ON YOUR WAY OUT!”

“Sheesh, someone’s cranky. I’m comin’, I’m comin’. Betcha’ll finally do, too. Ey, Thor? A fucking plus for technique!”

“ _GET THE FUCK OUT_!”

___

“Oh, hey. Stalls free?”

“They are.”

“Ohmythoryou’repepperpottsididananalysisonyouincollegeiloveyouandiwantedtobeyouwhenigrowupsinceiwasfifteenthisisthecoolestparty _ever_!”

“…Thank you?”

“Pepper! Peps, light of my life, breaker of deals, queen of board rooms and owner of my heart, I need your help, immediately!”

“What is it now, Tony?…”

“Okay, that’s a bit less cool, but still, not bad for the first week of livin’ in the embodiment of Stark’s ego!”

“…Wasn’t that your idol?”

“Yup! She’s so beautiful, Janey, and brilliant, and charming, and polite, and stylish, omythor her _dress_ , Jane! And her _shoes_!”

“Fangirling a bit much, aren’t you?”

“It’s either over THE Pepper Potts, or your _boyfriend_ , boss lady!”

“…Proceed, minion!”

___

“Miss Lewis, why are you in my bathroom?”

“Barton ate my triple chocolate cake, so I may or may not have covered his bow, bracers _and_ all arrowheads in glitter, and am now in hiding… Holy Abs Of Freedom And Justice! Note to self: Captain America: _extremely_ lickable!”

“Miss Lewis, I’m forced to ask you to leave. Please.”

“Don’t be like that, Steve, I’m but a poor refugee in need of… _seeing how low this blush goes_!”

“Jarvis, send help!”

“ _Certainly, Captain. Lube and condoms will be provided in under 10 minutes.”_

“Oooh! Good thinking, J-man!”

“That’s _NOT_ what I meant!”

___

“ _I’M UPON HIM, HE UPON ME, DON’T PAY ‘IM ATTENTION ‘CAUSE I CRIED MY TEARS FOR THREE GOOD YEEEEARS! YA CAN’T BE MAD AT MEEEEEE!”_

“Ya’re drunk, Darce.”

“Yuuuuupp!”

“…Is that Fury’s eyepatch?”

“Yyyup! Oh fu… buuueeeee!”

“Breathe Dee, breathe… Do I want to know why?”

“One word, Clint: Robert!”

“The iPod?”

“What other Robert is there? One-Eyed Evil SpyLord still keeps hostage my tunemaster darling, after all this time!”

“Touché, and figured. Just so you know, I’m still billing you for my shoes.”

___

Bonus:

“Darce? Darcy!”

“In here!”

„Darce, hurry, there’s a… FUCK!”

“Tryin’ to, boss lady!”

“Whatever. There’s an anomaly in southern Jersey, we leave ASAP. How much will you… Barnes, _could you stop it_ , I’m trying to have a conversation here!”

“Nuh-uh.”

“I feel like it’s somehow a payback for That One Thor Incident, Darce!”

“W-whatever gave you… aahhh… that idea?”

“’m doin’ somethin’ wrong if ya still can use full s’ntences, doll.”

“Nope, I’m outta here. I’m leaving, and you, my minion, can arrive later on your own peril.”

“Cool. Wait, who’s driving _you_?”

“I _can_ drive a car, Darce!”

“Jane, no! Get a chauffeur from Stark OR WHATEVER BUT DO NOT DARE TO TOUCH THE WHEEL YOU FUCKING MAD MAX!!! Shit, someone’s gonna die, and it ain’t she!”

“…An orgasm or two for the road?”

“Yes, please!”


End file.
